PMS, Yoga, and the Principle of Mercy

This year, I have been reading the Old Testament. It has been difficult, and I had to start reading the Book of Mormon as well, just to give myself something familiar, something well loved, to break the monotony of the Old Testament. Especially in the beginning, the Old Testament is a harsh book. Full of the quick execution of justice on those who have sinned against God's Law. A habit I have long established is to search for the Mercy in Justice. God is perfect, and he can perfectly balance Mercy and Justice. The most important thing to remember when searching for the Mercy with the Justice is that the death of a righteous person is not a tragedy to God.

An example of this is in the Book of Mormon, when Alma and Amulek are forced to watch the wicked men burn innocent women and children to death purely for their belief in God. Amulek wants to stretch forth his hand and use his Priesthood to save the innocents. Alma is constrained from doing so. In order for Justice to have full claim upon these wicked men, they have to be allowed to ACT. Just like in the movie "Minority Report" (if you will forgive my mixing of metaphors), God cannot punish for the intent to sin. At least not to the extent of the punishment for your actions.

So, what does this have to do with PMS? I suppress emotions that I don't want to think about/feel. I am pretty good at living in denial. But, there comes a time that I just can't keep those emotions locked up anymore, and they have to spill out so that I can face them and deal with the causes of them. If I never let them spill out... I would drown in that river called denial. That is where I see he Mercy in PMS. I keep a tight reign on my emotions, but there are some months that the combination of suppressed emotion and hormones is too much for my system, and I have release. I firmly believe that those emotions that are expressed during those times are true emotion, true things that I have to deal with. Just heightened by hormones. But, if they were never heightened, they would never be released... Mercy. There have been many times that I will be so emotional, and cranky, and then a few days later feel better and realize what it was that was causing me to be so emotional, and sigh in relief. I DO have better control than that... most of the time. It is important to know that it is TRUE emotion, though, not just something made up from nothing. PMS is not a curse on womankind, it is a blessing disguised very well.

I thought that PMS was the only thing that did that for me. I found out I was wrong on Saturday. I have been fairly stressed the past few months, with the past few weeks being a particular kind of trial - my vanity, my pride, my self esteem, all have taken a hit lately. Obviously, I am being compelled to be humble, and I need to hurry up and choose the humility, because I haven't yet hit rock bottom. So, I went to my yoga class on Saturday. My teacher is very insistent that we leave our outside stress outside the room, and just focus on the yoga. I tried so hard, but the harder I tried, the more it came at me. I ended up crouched in child's pose at the back of the room, with silent sobs wracking my body! So pitiful! I thought about leaving, and finding a secluded place and just crying it out! Partly out of shame for walking out of the class, I stayed. It was also partly because I didn't want to be so weak that I couldn't do one hour of yoga - I didn't want to let my stress make me do something I would regret.

I got home, and tried to cry! I went to my room, locked my door, and tried to have that same intense emotional response in the proper environment... nothing. Yes, the stress was still there, but I wasn't holding back sobs! I could barely leak any tears! I'm still pondering on that experience. I've had it once before, after a yoga class I couldn't hold back the stress anymore and ended up crying through "dead man's pose" at the end of the class. I was overwhelmed with those emotions that I tried to hard to keep in check.

It seems ironic to me, because most of the reason I love yoga so much is the mental strength it takes to hold a pose when everything inside of me says to release! The triumph of holding plank, or even worse, side plank, so much longer than I think I can! Is there a relation between the physical holding and the emotional holding? I can only hold one at a time, not both? If I put all my effort to holding the physical pose, does it weaken the effort holding my emotions? It seems to be the case.

Anyway, this post is more about my written whimsy than any I've done - but it is 2:20 in the morning, and I had to get it down so that I could have the peace to go to sleep! Perhaps, I've given you something to think about, even if it is why I'm so crazy! Now, I must cease my key tapping, because Ray is hiding his poor head under a pillow to get away from all the clacking. Good night!